I had bad dreams last night, and I woke up feeling relieved and weighed down at the same time. In my dream, I was weighing myself every few minutes, and I was back up over 400 pounds. When I weighed in again at 393.6, I knew it was happening, and I let it happen anyway. I felt helpless and undeserving, and then I woke up…
I was glad that I didn’t wake up weighing 400 pounds, but I also realized that I am dangerously close to weighing that again. It is so easy to gain weight (even though I did pretty well at keeping it off for a while.) I didn’t hit my goal and gain it all back, but it’s just as discouraging to lose an incredible amount of weight and watch it slowly creep back. And lately, it hasn’t even been slow. I didn’t gain weight over Thanksgiving, but I went on a food frenzy during Christmas break.
It’s incredibly embarrassing to admit it, but the truth is that I’ve gained more than 50 pounds of the weight I lost. I feel like a failure admitting it, but I have to admit it – at least to myself.
My life has changed so much since I began this journey in 2009, and lately, I’ve been allowing all of the BS that used to fill my head back into it.
“You can’t do this. You’re lazy.”
“If you were going to reach your goals, you would have done it already.” (This is the one that haunts me…)
“You have so much more to be happy about already. What the hell else do you want?”
“Look, no one wants you, but a lot of people love you. Accept that, and let it be enough.”
“Look at you. You’re never going to be pretty anyway.”
“I’ll do better tomorrow.”
It’s hard to admit that I experience these feelings, but it’s true. I don’t walk around hating myself. I’m in a pretty good mood most of the time. My spirits are high, and I do a lot of things that make me feel good about myself these days. I’ve learned that life isn’t just about me, but I also realize that I’m headed down a path of destruction without action to change it.
When I got back to New Orleans last week, I stepped on the scale for the first time in ages, and I weighed 349.4 pounds. Roll your eyes if you want to. Pity me if you want to. Remind me that me weight alone doesn’t define me if you want to. Laugh at me if you want to. I’ve done all of these things myself. I’ve also looked in the mirror and reminded myself that it’s not too late to start trying again.
I enjoy all of the blessings that have been placed in my life even though I truly don’t deserve them – my loving family, my friends, the amazingly tolerant and sincere man who makes me smile from ear to ear just because, my home…
It seems like I started this journey a lifetime ago, and the truth is, I did. Everything is different, and now I have to change the way I’m living if I want to enjoy it fully. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make myself do it. My inspirational, rock star in weight-loss and life friend, Tara, reminded me this morning that “my before wants to meet my after.” I cried when I read that because I felt like such a failure, and she suggested that I was crying because I wanted it so badly. She’s right.
I want to start shedding pounds again more than I want almost everything else in my life. Now all I have to do is convince myself that I want it enough to go and get it.